i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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