its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
