I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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