Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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