so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
