That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
