I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
