You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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