I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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