the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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