i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
