Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
