Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I smell like Dick and happiness
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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