he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
