Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize