I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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