you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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