I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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