Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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