I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
