My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
