im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
