If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he thought i was a dude.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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