Got a toothbrush?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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