yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
