Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
