Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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