Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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