I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
