Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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