I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
