Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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