I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
