She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
