Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
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