I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My liver just broke up with me...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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