he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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