Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
