Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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