Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
