There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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