evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
