ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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