Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
