I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
