when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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