You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
