Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Found the puke drawer
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
