Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
