My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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